we have pet lesbian snakes
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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