If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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