finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
