life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
