life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
