He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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