well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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