she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Randomize
