How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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