I heard we made out
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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