When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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