I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
