I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
