Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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