Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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