Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
