i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
