Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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