I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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