i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Let's paint friendship bongs
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
