i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
