my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
