Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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