You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
