Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm at about main and main street
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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