Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
