Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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