Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
