yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
