alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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