when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
