everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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