I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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