end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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