it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Someone signed my nipple.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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