But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
