Your tits are I can't wait for
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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