I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
