I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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