you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
