I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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