she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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