just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
