Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
