A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
