Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
