Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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