Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
