I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
