Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
