I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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