my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
