My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
