Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
