My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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