Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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