if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
