Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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