I just threw up on my dentist
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
