oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
